Sequoia Redd

Did you know all these things are related? I didn’t until I was forced to stay off my feet for a week. I took a bike ride last night and this morning and this evening again because I absolutely had to otherwise I was going to explode.

I spent this week in bed feeling like a general loser because I couldn’t work and anytime I needed to get up I had to hobble around on crutches, my knee couldn’t bend all the way and felt like a rubber band getting pulled too tight if I tried. I realized how much the way I carry myself and my ability to move is very much linked to my ego and self confidence.

I smoked alot of herb, I read some books mostly about sex, the occult and angels and some books that were about all three.

I learned a new word: demoniality: (noun) sexual activity with demons. “Consequently, when having intercourse with an Incubus, man does not degrade, but rather dignifies, his nature, and, taking that into consideration, Demoniality cannot be more grievous than Beastiality.” -Sinistrari Familiar Spirits

Oh really…?

I henna-ed my hair, put a face mask on, tried to read some more. Researched naked women protesting and in coming across National Go Topless Day, I found this site, which made me laugh and really want to start a cult.

Anyways,  I’ve been neglecting things online. Alot. Mostly a lot of my thought processes are changing so much its hard to keep up with stuff online or writing stuff or paying attention to other people’s stuff.

I’ve been realizing more and more that I’m not an environmentalist, I’m not a hippie and that I don’t think I belong in any box at all. Nor do I ever want to.

and I don’t want to be apart of any group that tries to force people to live a certain way…but I don’t want assholes like Monsanto or Dupont or Anti-Porn/Anti-Sex Work Feminists fucking up my way of life…so where does that leave me? I don’t want to be a target or an angry person with a sign, but I get tired of bending over for assholes too, yanno?

Also, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to live in a “community” again after this. I think I want to spend a lot of time by myself, writing maybe? Making art? I don’t know?

Mostly I’m feeling like not telling the world anything about myself ever again. I hate when people assume they know me from reading my blog which is kind of an obvious downside to writing about yourself so personally. I’m not sure what direction if any I am going anymore. I’m feeling guarded about myself and selfish. I just don’t want to share myself with strangers anymore and I mean that in more contexts than just this blog.

I’ve been having weird realizations about life, energy and some other bullshit that has made me rethink what it is I’m actually doing with myself in many ways. Yes, I realize how shitty and vague that last sentence was.

Mostly I think I’m going to shift away from writing about myself and maybe just writing about stuff that I’m concerned about. Or maybe I won’t write at all. I really wish I could pick up the habit of journaling.

So, this week’s epiphany was that if I don’t move around or see the sunrise on the beach I feel like shit and completely unmotivated to do anything. Physical movement is an important part of the way i maintain my sanity.

Purpose: what is mine? Sex work gives me purpose in a strange way. Yet, I’m pretty sure I’m ready to move on. But where to? I have no exit strategy or “real” job dreams.

Also, Universe: I want a lover that I see more than once a week…and a purpose! Please and thank you!