from my myspace inbox: “seeking a lil advice about escorting”

hi there…i know you haven’t heard from me much but i have a question..seeking a lil advice i guess…ok so i am a single mother of two….single because i wanna be and feel that no man will hold me down…in finding myself i have discovered im pretty wild..lol….anyhow..im am unemployed…i did go to school for nursing..not RN…just nursing assistant and medical assistant…but since i cannot seem to refuse the herb…thats holding me back from a good hospital job….i am living in one little bedroom from when i was a teenager with my two kids and my dog….i HAVE to find a way to make it on my own. it is another very negative place here with fussin and cursing…i want a home for my kids..a  sanctuary..i see it in my mind..thats the first step…i want a  3 bedroom house so my boy and my girl can have there own space..i want to be capable of paying my own bills and not relying on anyone else for help…..i see you speaking of escort sevices. or maybe some kinda sugar daddy services(i saw it on dateline) but something safe you know…i do have my children…i dont wanna get in any trouble….i know you are not in my area..but maybe you know someone that knows something….i will do whatever it takes to an extent to survive….hell, why cant work be pleasure..teheee…..you may think im crazy for writing you this…maybe not…..i just hope to get a response either way…..
have a great day sweetie!=)~

Since this might not be the last email I receive like this, I decided to form my reply into a long winded blog entry. Enjoy…

Disclaimer:

Keep in mind that I have not been escorting for very long, but I did do *alot* of research before putting out my ads (the kind of research I wish I was able to do before I got into porn) and I have worked in other parts of the adult industry since I was 19 (porn, stripping, webcamming, phone sex). This is just my take on things, little nuggets of wisdom I’ve collected throughout my stint in sex work, take from it what you will, but have a sense of humor as some of it was written in sarcasm .

Also this was written under the assumption that you haven’t engaged in any type of sex work ever, so its pretty sex work generalized.

If you’re really serious about escorting I would *highly* recommend this book: The Internet Escort’s Handbooks Book 1: The Foundation Basic Mental, Emotional and Physical Considerations in Escort Work by Amanda Brooks I wish I had read this four years ago, it really helped to lay things out for me from someone who is experienced and successful in her field. This book is what made me think that I could do this type of work, whereas before I had thought about it many times, but it seemed to be some kind of dark and mysterious form of work I had no idea how to get into or how it would work.

Intro:

There’s a lot to escorting that is complicated and complex and you need to have a good head about you in order to do this work and come out ok. No, not every stereotype about this work is true at all, but there are a lot of factors that people don’t give much thought to before diving in. Because this type of work is so frowned upon by the general masses sometimes we don’t even realize the little nuances of societal programming that have been pounded into us since an early age. Those issues will come up.

Are you completely comfortable with casual sex?

Not getting a job because you don’t want to quit smoking pot is not an excuse to go into escorting. You should feel lucky that you have some type of profession to go into in this economy. Get a grip, if you really want to provide for your children, you already have a job waiting. But sex work can make a nice part time job in addition to the one that you already have. In my opinion, you should go for the nurse’s assistant position, quit smoking pot for a little while just to take the test and think about escorting again. There are other types of sex work you can explore from home, such as webcamming, which may help you dip your toes a bit to see what its like to sell your sexuality for a living.

When you get started in escorting, it takes time to build a clientele (that is unless you want to only advertise on something like craigslist  for $100/hr, which is about the going rate on there, sometimes less. There is nothing wrong with but it is way more riskier and cops usually bust CL on a regular basis, not to mention the majority of your appointments will most likely be same-day appointments which make it very hard to plan anything else in your day. Plus you can’t really do any type of screening. Screening is important.).

Business comes in waves and is never absolutely steady, with any work I’ve down in the adult or sex industry. My income comes from a few different sources, not just escorting, I also do cam shows, I sell my homemade porn and my blog makes a little money from advertising. When I can, I will return to stripping as well (transportation and some body issues have been holding me back).

I’ve found that diversifying my income in sex work, works best for me, I don’t get burnt out on doing one single thing for a while and I can bare the down time in one aspect of work while I focus on another (did I mention I’m also a gemini, lol).

Sugar Daddies vs. Clients and Escorting

Sugar daddy-ing and escorting are two different things. Sugar daddies are often looking for a lady to give up her whole life and completely subsist off of whatever support he might be offering her and most of the time expect “true love”. In my opinion, it saves a lot more time and energy to keep business plain and simple, you put a price on your time, hourly, and certain gentlemen pay you for your time. It keeps things real easy.

If you still want to give the sugar daddy thing a shot try this website: Seeking Arrangement .

Friends, Family, Community and those other assholes that want to tell you what to do with your own body

There’s also the friends and family aspect of sex work. Will you tell them? Do they know that you’ve been thinking about this? If they don’t approve will their negativity towards you change your opinion about yourself? What will you do if they act like they’re ok with the work and then turn jeckle and hyde on your ass?

It’s important to have some type of support network. I’m still working on this myself, my only solution at the moment is reading other sex work blogs and social networking sites.

Some of the most hurtful things I’ve been told as a sex worker have been from people that were supposed to be my best friends or lovers. I’ve heard little gems such as “I’m too pretty to be in porn”, and what, I’m just ugly enough? Or…”Your only talent is sucking dick…you’re a fat, broke slut!”, thanks, glad I supported you for so long with my dicksucking and all.

Bottom line is, these people don’t really mean what they say (at least I hope not, lol) or they’re projecting their own insecurities on you  but they’re reaching out for a tender spot to try and hurt you, and sex work will be a tender, vulnerable spot. Are you ok with people using your work as an emotional weapon or abuse tactic against you?

Do you know any other sex workers? Even other sex workers might end up looking down on you. A personal example: my first day as a stripper, my manager, Elaine, took me over and introduced me to the other girls, she said “Hey ladies, we have a baby with us. This is her first day!” The other chicks gave me the typical, up-and-down-hope-this-young-bitch-won’t-steal-my-customers look and then they asked me what I did before this. I told them I was in porn. They all looked disgusted and turned away. Haha. But this type of snobbery is very prevalent in sex work, here let me break it down for ya:

Strippers look down on escorts, because they have actual sex with clients, where as strippers just make money off of the tease. Burlesque dancers look down on strippers, because they think they’re more “classier” and (as I’ve actually heard it put) “We’re the sizzle, not the steak.”. Cam girls look down on escorts and strippers because they can just hang out in bed all day and masturbate and they don’t even have to touch anyone or go anywhere, they can make all their money right from home! Phone sex operators think they’re better than everyone else because their job requires them to be somewhat intelligent and articulate. Porn stars look down on escorts because “We’re not prostitutes, ew, we’re performance artists“.

Even within the realm of escorting someone will look down on you for some reason. The high class “courtesans” think they’re the shit because most of them are college educated, they’re discreet and hide their faces (can’t have mommy and daddy finding out that your expensive college education/graduate degree ended up as  a marketing ploy for escorting, now, can we? tsk tsk ) and come from a silver spoon up the ass childhood. Then there’s the “I don’t get reviewed” vs. the queen of the DATY and BBBJs…and streetwalkers, which everyone, for various reasons of classism and snobbery, think they’re totally above. Or perhaps the most pretentious of all…tantric bodyworkers! Yes, whores working under a spiritual pretense, which of course, makes them so much better and holier than you. They’re channeling the Goddess of course!

I have found that in the sex worker activist communtiy, whilst many are working to change the societal perspectives on sex work, they end up excluding many. Goddess forbid you have some kind of dark past (as in if you were molested, dropped out of highschool, didn’t go to college, have had some type of drug addiction, or didn’t have the cheeriest of childhoods) because even those within the sex worker activist communities will do all they can to distance themselves from you because unfortunately, by no fault of your own of course, you happen to fulfill some kind of stereotype which they are desperately trying to separate themselves from, for the good of the community that you’re trying to be apart of. Yeah, that makes sense.

Finally, where escorting is concerned, there’s the fabulous members of law enforcement that are doing their best to make sure that your dirty little self does not taint the pure and wholesome families of America by spreading your whoreness around the neighborhood. After all, haven’t you heard? ALL of the rapists, child molesters, wife beaters, and serial killers have ALL been found and locked away. Hooray for America the Utopia. I’ve never been arrested, I do a lot of screening before meeting with clients. Yes this probably cuts out on some of my income, but in this case, its much better to be safe than sorry. Avoiding law enforcement also has alot to do with your marketing. One thing Amanda Brooks stresses over and over again in her book is not to menu list items, charge for your time only.

Reviews

Yes, your clients may want to review their time with you, rate your appearance and technique on a scale from 1-10. As if that wasn’t distasteful enough, on some sites (such as TER) in order to score over a 7 you have to engage in one of the following acts: Kisses With Tongue, Bare-Back Blow Job, Really Bi, and Anal Sex.

Whilst I understand that prospective clients want to make sure they’re getting their moneys worth, it seems kind of silly considering the current legal climate to have this “evidence” all over the internet not to mention it kind of kills that “high-class-elite-vip-companion-courtesan-seeking-generous-polite-gentlemen” front that many women try to sell themselves as.

That being said, being reviewed can bring you lots of business if you get nice feedback and many escorts run their businesses primarily through reviews.

Self Esteem

If business is slow will you take this personally? Because sex work is mostly about your physical appearance, your personality and your ability to engage and seduce another person your ego cannot help but get involved. It’s important to have all of your insecurities hammered out in your head before heading into something like this. If a client happens to say something nasty about your appearance, will you take it to heart?

Safety

Screening is important, there are a few verification sites out there that prospective clients can join and escorts can verify that they’re not a member of law enforcement or an axe murderer. You should also do some of your own screening and make sure to check their ID when and if you do meet for the first time.

As long as you follow certain screening protocols, you will be perfectly safe.

If you’ve made it this far and your brain hasn’t exploded, congratulations!

Lets think about what type of product you think you can offer someone else. One thing that bugs me about sex work is that most of the chick’s in it are focused on the money they can or are making with it rather than the product that they’re putting forth. If you want to do this safely, it is not the road to quick money (camming and stripping work much better for that).

What can you offer? What can you do to make someone else feel better, relaxed, turned on, etc? Remember they’re coming to you at the end of a busy or stressful day to relax. You are their break.

You mentioned something about your wild side, which is all fine and good during the appointment, but punctuality, dependability and accountability are all factors that will make your business work for the better.

So this didn’t really turn out to be much advice, but more or less asking you a lot of questions. You really need to know yourself well beforehand. Other things like where to advertise, what clothes to wear, whether or not you should have your own site etc. are all kind of superficial, the real issue is knowing whether or not you can handle something like this.

If you’re still serious read this book and check out some of the blogs I link to.

Alexa of RPD also has an excellent blog where sex workers write about their first professional sex, you might want to head over there and read a few of those posts.

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