all is quiet on the blog front

Hello Internet,

All is quiet on the blog front, so here’s an update. Last Monday was my last writing class and I decided not to go. Since I moved a couple hours North it would have been an extra hour on the train to go to a class where I wasn’t receiving any guidance and because some of the other students in the class took FOREVER to read their long boring ass pieces I usually never got to share mine and/or I did and all the teacher would do is regurgitate little lines of the piece and ask me if it was hard to write. Ugh. But, it did make me write because I had something to write for, for some reason I need purpose in my life. The last class I did go to I read aloud a piece I wrote about stripping. I practically shat myself, I don’t know why, my face turned all red, my heart was ramming against my chest and I felt like I was having a real anxiety attack just sitting there reading a freaking vanilla piece about stripping. How lame. Later, I kicked myself because what kind of sex worker activist does that make me if I have a hard time speaking in public about what I do or did in sex work? I can’t really be blamed though because if I do talk about it I usually get one of two different reactions: A. “pity/you’re so fucked up/what were your parents like/ *smirk*/facial expression of horror” or B. “I already know everything there is to do with sex work even though I’ve never done anything like that in my entire life, but I know everything there is to know about it so stop talking”. I find reaction B. especially amusing because its such a testament to where people are today with sex and anything to do with it. Even though we as humans are not, in this culture, taught or shown anything to do with love, relationships, sexuality, and sensuality everyone walks around and acts like they know all about it. Goddess forbid I, lowly whore that I am, enlighten YOU about it. If someone for some reason ends up in a fucked up relationship, they’re stupid and should be blamed for it. If someone is having bad sex they must be a prude or just suck, etc etc. I don’t need to show you the stereotypes, I’m sure you’re well aware of them, oh audience of my blog.

But ANYWAYS, before I spiral down that rant anymore…I found an open mic reader’s night at a local cafe that I thought of dropping in at and seeing what was going on and perhaps growing some metaphorical balls and reading something *gasp*.

This town seems pretty cool though in general, people actually RECYCLE here. I had a hell of a time trying to explain recycling for free in redneckville. And theres a Kava bar, so I tried Kava, which is pretty fucking nasty, but its a different buzz, which I need. I’ve been on the red wine train for too long I miss my herbal treats

I have also decided that I am going to make a plan to stop working on NiteFlirt, probably not permanently, but I don’t want it to be my main source of income anymore. I am hoping to be able to make some what of a switch by Winter. Why? Although I like the comfort of working from home and literally just having the money come to me, which is awesome in this economy, I’m getting real burnt out on all of the computer time I’m putting it. I feel like I’m suffering from ADD from the internet and I’m not really getting anything done. Maybe I just need to be more organized or something. Althought its a phone sex site, I suck at phone sex, so thats why I offer cam as well which is good but that means I can’t do anything that will make me sweaty or dirty because I may at any moment need to jump in front of the cam for a show. So, its time for a change. Like I said, I don’t think I’d give up NF entirely, but I don’t want it to be my main gig anymore.

In other news…the yard has a big ficus tree in front which needs to be thinned out a bit to let the sun in for future crops, so we’ll be working on the yard. Most of the plants that we brought up here seem to be ok so far, they survived the ride.

Oh yes and the beach…ahh…seriously. The water is perfect this time of year and its a five minute bike ride away. They have a drum circle on the beach here every full moon, they’ve had to battle with the city to keep it, but so far it’s here to stay.

People have been asking me recently if I’m still trying to move back to N.C. and the truth is I’m not really sure. I had an astro-cartography chart done recently (a friend did it as a favor) and my Venus and Sun lines cross in the Southeast U.S. so pretty much all of South Florida, Georgia, Alabama and even to New Orleans are good places at this time to be doing business. This town I’m in seems like a cool part of Florida, but FL in general sucks and I know this all too well. But I need to be in a place where I can make money and its not like I have the funds to move all over the place right now. I still need to learn how to drive. Crap.

Now this post that I’m writing has inspired one of those panicked WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!! moments. Jesus. Thanks guys.

I’m out. Photos cumming soooooon.

Mason Jennings – I Love You and Buddha Too (good song)

Mike

July 11th, 2009 at 4:28 pm

I think the reason you had a minor anxiety attack in that situation was indicative of the fact that you really just didn’t belong in that class. It sounds like it really wasn’t taught very well and certainly wasn’t a match for your needs. The energy there was just wrong. I do believe you have a lot to offer with your writing, based on what I’ve read here, but unfortunately a lot of people are not going to be capable of hearing or appreciating what you have to say. I don’t think this is unique to writing about sex work; I think it’s just an uncomfortable but universal truth for all writers, especially those who take up controversial topics.

I don’t follow this blog just because you post nude pictures of yourself here. That’s nice, sure, but I find your posts about environmentalism, organics and sustainability at least as interesting as posts about your vagina. These are issues that really matter to me.

I think what you said about NiteFlirt and not being able to get dirty or sweaty says it all. How can you be an organic gardener and lover of the outdoors without getting dirty or sweaty?

This may or may not help, but I’ll say it anyway. Don’t worry about that whole “what the fuck am I doing with my life?” thing. You’re still very young and have plenty of time to pick a direction and even change direction several times if you want. I’m 37 and I find myself at the end of a long dead-end road, realizing I made several poor decisions in my past that have led me here. There’s no going back, though, only forward, so all I can do is make the best of my life from this point forward. It’s frustrating now that I’m saddled with a house I can’t sell and a job I hate, but I’ll get there. You will, too.

sequoiaredd

July 11th, 2009 at 5:08 pm

Hey Mike,

Its good to hear that people find the environmentalism aspect interesting as I was/still am not sure when I make posts about it if people really give a rat’s ass? I do it because its as major an aspect to my life as my sexuality and sex work are so to me its just as justified as being apart of the story. I also sometimes feel like I’m not very worthy/educated enough to speak on the subject because I’m not an expert, I’m just doing my own thing with it and attempting to do it cheaply easily and present it as being just as easily accessible to everyone else. So I hope that part comes across.

I know writing about sex work isn’t that unique, but I’m still trying to find my voice with writing to be able to convey interesting things I’ve experienced in and out of sex work, but also just in my life as well.

Glenn

July 12th, 2009 at 5:36 am

Hi Sequioa – short-time reader, first-time commenter (found your blog through some of your other work).

I agree with what Mike’s said, to a great extent. Been there with the “WTF?” moments myself – my current job tends to inspire them, thanks in no small part to my line manager and the fact that I’ve come into it at a relatively high grade with no experience.
I’m sure there are nights where you don’t want to work for NiteFlirt because you’re tired, cranky, or perhaps not in the mood for people with one-track minds. Everyone’s like that with work. Even Goddesses – I mean, whoever created the world, their mind really wasn’t on the game when they created income tax and misogyny, right?
So take a break. Do something different. Get back to using your other talents – maybe the creative ones, maybe the couple of pounds of grey goo between your ears, maybe your hands, maybe some combination of the above. Trust me, it’ll recharge the batteries.

What surprises me about your experiences in talking about sex work is that I would’ve expected there to be an option C – “That’s actually really interesting, I never thought about it like that – can we discuss it sometime?”. So don’t doubt the validity of your voice – there are people out here who have become genuinely fascinated by what you have to blog, and not just for prurient reasons. You have a unique voice and your own personal combination of experiences – life, sex work, philosophy, environmentalism. As someone who’s grown up with a lot of access to the countryside, and recently studied various forms of writing about nature (which got very, very philosophical, and led me to feel like moving to the Pacific Southwest to live a simpler life out of history’s way, rather than joining the rat race in a capital city, where I am now), I can’t think of anything more amazing than hearing from someone who has not only the same kind of thoughts as I do, but does things I can’t (like growing vegetables). Plus it showcases your inner beauty and your intelligence – something that’s hard to display, and similarly hard to find on display, but when you find someone who chooses to share it then it’s truly an amazing experience.

Keep at it – you’re doing amazing things with your life, making what most people would consider to be unlikely things work out really well. Find a better writing class or venue for feedback on your work (hell, test it out on your readers), but be confident – your writing is insightful, you just need to have the courage of your convictions when you step up to the plate. Or the mike.

And most of all – have a fantastic life. Make the most of your opportunities in Florida, even if you don’t like it all that much. Somehow I know you’ll make it work out for you, one way or another.

brigitte lewis

July 12th, 2009 at 10:13 am

don’t be afraid to speak your reality!! that is where real art comes from; people need to be exposed to all gamuts of experience and yours is just as worthy as any other; who says someone who gets paid to proffer an opinion as a professional is any more of an expert than someone who doesn’t; that’s the catch 22 of the capitalist system; your opinion matters no matter your status…

July 12th, 2009 at 10:32 am

Get back to using your other talents – maybe the creative ones, maybe the couple of pounds of grey goo between your ears, maybe your hands, maybe some combination of the above.

Hey Glenn,

I never said I wanted to leave sex work, just this aspect of it. Sex work is the only kind of work that keeps me interested on a daily basis, I just don’t want to be in front of a computer all day long. Trust me, I use my pounds of grey goo all day long and in other types of sex work as well, you have to. This business isn’t just about flashing your titties and then holding out your hand to get paid, there’s alot more to it, psychologically, intuitively. Its the fine art of reading people, reading their most vulnerable and touchy facet of themselves and making them feel ok about it and turned on by it. Sex workers are like fantasy animators…I could go on but I’m sure you get the idea.

July 12th, 2009 at 11:16 am

Oh, don’t get me wrong – I know you weren’t quitting entirely! But you’ve talked about so many of the other things you like that it sounds like making more time for them would do you good. Just a break from the online cams thing, like you said. (That and, as you’ve said, it’d mean you could do things that would leave you in no fit state for the camera. Or perhaps it would, depending on the customer.)

That said, there IS a heck of a lot more to that kind of work than I ever realised – you can be proud that I got that from you. And there’s a lot more I need to learn also.

What interests you so much about sex work, anyway? I admit, I hate office work – it’s not really for the creative, the free spirit, or someone who wants a connection with the world! If you’re not too busy I’d love to hear a lot more about what you think. (Yes, that’s my option C reaction, and it’s a sincere one)

Mark

July 12th, 2009 at 7:11 pm

“Its the fine art of reading people, reading their most vulnerable and touchy facet of themselves and making them feel ok about it and turned on by it. Sex workers are like fantasy animators…I could go on but I’m sure you get the idea.”

I get the idea, but would be very interested in hearing more. Perhaps you can turn your writing skills to this topic in your blog sometime.

As Mike said, don’t worry about the “WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!!” moments. I’m 47 and still have them occasionally. I’ve switched careers 6 times in my life and none of them have been my “passion”. Hell, I don’t know what my passion is! And yet, I’m relatively happy, healthy, and more or less sane. So are most of my friends who are in the same situation. You, at least, seem to have a passion or two are are following them. You’re a step ahead of some of us!

Waterman

July 12th, 2009 at 8:15 pm

I certainly concur with the views above and admire your honesty and openness.

I became involved in a part time job 18 years ago. It is now my full time work and I’m writing a book about my experiences. I could not have anticipated any of that when I first heard about this work some 18 months before I actually started doing it.

What that job is – is irrelevant because all that matters is that I stumbled across something about which I am passionate and eventually make my living from it. Not a good living as the work is very poorly paid – but I found my niche and continue to try and make the most out of it.

Keep your journal and all the things that you do not put in your blog. Save them all …

alan

July 13th, 2009 at 12:02 pm

I don’t know why you bothered to go to a writing class at all. You get your thoughts and feelings across transparently well in your blog already. Anyone reading it knows exactly and immediately who you are and what you think about yourself and life in general. You have the gift of fluency. Don’t force it into the strait-jacket of ‘style’. Just carry on letting the words tumble out…People will listen to you, and love you for it.

Alan